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MR SMITH'S FUN
BAR (2002)
1.
STAYING IN
Self-explanatory show
opener rejoicing in the stimulating pastime of staying indoors watching
television and listening to music that you don't even like. Alone. This year why
not do yourself a massive favour and disown all your friends and family and
spend Saturday night in with a Richard Blackwood video and a packet of razor
blades?
2.
EASTBOURNE
Sit back with a giant bag
of Callard and Bowser Butter Rum Toffees and journey down the A22 to Britain's
premier pensioner's resort in the company of The Bendy Monsters. On your arrival
why not suffer a massive heart attack whilst enjoying a performance by the
Sevenoaks and Tonbridge Concert Band at the town's very own Edwardian Bandstand?
3.
NO GOLF PLEASE (WE'RE BRITISH)
A heart-rending tale of
love and loss set amidst scenes of pure emotion at the 1989 Ryder Cup. The song
centres around a love affair between Largs born golfer Sam Torrance and his
Carry On Emmanuelle actress and Patrick Mower cast-off wife Suzanne Danielle and
her subsequent miscarriage. A real tearjerker this one.
4.
ONE BARRY CHEESE
The Bendy Monsters very own tribute to pint-sized
Rotherham comedian and one half of long-defunct double act Cheese & Onion -
not sure what happened to Onion though. We had the great honour of seeing Sir
Barry in action at Disraeli's pub in Rotherham in January 2002. He was fucking
excellent.
5.
PAULINE QUIRKE IN A GRITWAGON
An unlikely tale about
Sharon from Birds of A Feather going joyriding in a 1952 Dennis Gritwagon and
causing havoc on the M25 near Clacket Lane Services. Just when things couldn't
get any worse, Adam Ant's dad turns up with a nauseating account of a recent
holiday in the Far East and you get to think…. come back Gary Glitter, all is
forgiven.
6.
SLADE
Re-recording of The
Muzzle Club's ode to seventies Wolverhampton rockers who these days plod round
Europe without Noddy 'Grimleys' Holder as Slade II and feature the former
bassist from Brian Connolly's Sweet. Our favourite Slade songs by the way are
The Myzsterious Mizster Jones, Knuckle Sandwich Nancy and anything on the Barn
label except Rock n Roll Bolero.
7.
EH UP KNUTTY!
A worm's eye view of
clubland and a general hatchet job on Sheffield stand-up comic/panto stalwart
Bobby Knutt and his bronzed bodybuilder wife, Donna Hartley. Whisk yourself back
in time to the halcyon days of Greasborough Social for top line entertainment
from West Country comedy showband, Shag Connor's Carrot Crunchers.
8.
SHELLSUITS ON FIRE
Snapshot of early
nineties culture typified by the bloke who ran the newsagents at Handsworth and
his deeply unintelligent teenage wife and their ghastly matching England
shellsuits. Fast forward ten years or so and it's much the same only this time
it's shaved heads and goatee beards. 'Fat Baldy featuring Sovs' in fact.
9.
SHACKLETONS YOU KNOW
In Bendy Monsters booklet
no. 27, we asked you to vote for the thing you most associate with the West
Yorkshire town of Batley. High seat chair fans will be pleased to learn that
Shackleton's High Seat Chairs, as advertised by a crotchety old woman in the
seventies came out ahead of Batley Bulldogs RLFC, Fox's Biscuits and errr Robert
Palmer.
10.
SALFORD JETS (IN A CARVERY)
Taken from the Bendy's P45 Sessions CD, a song
which name checks Manchester new wave nearly band, The Salford Jets, as they
enjoy a £5.99 roast and a delicious pint of creamy Worthington Bitter at their
local Brewers Fayre whilst their kids go apeshit in the Charlie Chalk Fun
Factory ballpool. The ageing rockers are particularly impressed by the presence
of a Roy Castle Clean Air Award. And who wouldn't be?
11.
B.O.L.L.O.C.K.S.
The original recording of the audience
participation song you can eat between meals in its original state, as mixed by
top North East production duo DJ Tow Law and MC Geordie Lad. Andy Cameron, The
Beverley Sisters, Felix Bowness, Derek Griffiths - they're all here and all
quite frankly, well.
12.
WARDS R US
The band's mourn the loss
of Wards Best Bitter in song. The band and many of their followers would
regularly call in at City Centre watering holes such as The Red Lion, Roebuck
and The Devonshire for a pint of the malty stuff. Some of them even tried
Waggledance, Thorne Best and Kirby Strong. I still cry occasionally.
13.
THE MAN WHO WOULD BE BING
Bendy Monsters take time
to philosophise about any number of subjects including Grand National fast food
outlets, loopy American women's golfer Muffin Spencer-Devlin, Chris Kamara
look-alikes, Hufty and middle aged blokes who think it's clever to sing Simply
The Best in Branigans at New Year.
14.
EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT SCANDINAVIAN DARTS
Fun and games down at the
Lakeside Country Club with Per Skau and friends. See old favourites like Bobby
George whitewashed by part-time postmen and tram drivers with unpronounceable
names. I had high hopes for Finland's Kexi Heinaharju in 1984 but he got beat by
Ceri Morgan in the second round.
15.
SCI-FI
A song about obsessive
science fiction fans and self-congratulatory, smart-arse repressed goths. Bendy
Monsters resident nerd, Andy, is a devoted Star Trek-The Next Generation fan,
but the rest of the band aren't convinced. We undertook a bit of research
recently and found that the bloke who played Clayton in Benson is now a blob of
liquid in Deep Space Nine. We don't reckon much to Rammstein either.
16.
GRANDDADS 1924 FA CUP FINAL KNICKERS
More octogenarian antics
with Grandma and Granddad and their small but tidy collection of Richard Tauber
LPs. Enjoy a John West red salmon sandwich and a bowl of Australian Gold pears
for Sunday tea before settling down for Last Of The Summer Wine. And remember,
no wanking in the airing cupboard this time. They might be old but they're not
stupid!
17.
CLOUGHIE'S GREENHOUSE
A tale of late eighties
suburban terror as the then Nottingham Forest manager's garden is vandalised by
a gang of unruly opposing fans. Worst of all, Old Big Head's recently acquired
greenhouse is ruined and his award-winning Derbyshire marrows have to be nursed
back from the brink of death. It's enough to turn a man to drink.
18.
WRONG TOWN
Straight lyric song taken from P45 Sessions
release and included here because we think it's quite good.
19.
LIVING NEXT DOOR TO THE KRANKIES
Evergreen Scottish family
entertainment with an edge. You don't get a wink of sleep as Ian Krankie, the
sado-masochist Dark Lord and his 3ft 6ins wife resplendent in school uniform,
PVC balaclava and stainless steel pussy clamps bump and grind themselves into
submission after another successful summer season at the Vikangar Theatre, Largs.
20.
DEAR MICHAELA
Whilst his parents are
out shopping, a deeply disturbed middle-aged man sends the latest in a long line
of sordid letters and a used Kleenex or two to Michaela Strachan after being
unexpectedly sexually aroused during an episode of Owl TV. Rest assured, he'll
be waiting for her in the car park at the end of Hit Man & Her with a
special gift and a special surprise for Pete Waterman.
21.
SEX WITH THE VICAR
Written in June 1988, Sex
With The Vicar provided a rousing finale to many a late eighties Muzzle Club gig
and was originally recorded as part of their Bald Men Set The Pace demo. Later
revived by The Bendy Monsters, the song pre-dates Chris Brain's infamous Nine O'
Clock Service by several years.
22.
LYTHAM IS A DANCER
A hotchpotch of ideas
based around Blackpool - Charlie Cairoli at The Tower Circus, Raymond Wallbank
playing his Wurlitzer on the North Pier, Wilson, Kepple and Betty, etc.
Transforms nicely into pre-Cheryl Baker Record Breakers theme. Possibly the only
song ever written to name check Jimmy James' sidekick Eli Woods of It's In The
Box fame.
23.
THE A-Z OF DEAD CELEBS
A song to accompany the
Bendy Monsters alphabetical obituary listing of the same name which features a
whole host of celebs of varying significance. The verse chronicles the
mid-eighties death of Bootsy and Snudge comedy genius, Alfie Bass, Iron Man
wrestler Alan Dennison and homosexual gasbag Russell Harty.